


Deluge in a Paper Cup

by Harpokrates



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Bay Movies)
Genre: oneshot storage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-28 03:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12597564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harpokrates/pseuds/Harpokrates
Summary: A place to put interconnected oneshots about Venus de Milo in the Bay movie universe. Will there be more than one? Who knows.





	1. Chapter 1

"Guys!" April shouted around the basket of laundry she was balancing in her arms. She spared a hand and slapped the brick wall as hard as she could. "Next time you want to use my laundry machine, make sure to get your stuff!"

No answer.

April heaved a sigh and maneuvered her basket over to the nearest horizontal surface, which turned out to be the least messy couch. She collapsed into it and ran her fingers back through her hair, catching the stray wisps. Her pinky snagged on a tangle and she grunted slightly, then picked it apart.

She was staring at the knot in question when her eyes decided to focus beyond her face and on the turtle sitting cross-legged in the center of the lair.

For a second, she thought Donnie had stolen Leo's bandana and she was about to call him out for ignoring her. Then reality caught up.

The stranger was taller than the guys, even sitting, April could see that. His bandana was bright blue, and braided neatly at the base of his skull. He either hadn't noticed April, or he was ignoring her. April drew her legs up on the cushions and slowly shifted herself over the back of the couch, all the while not breaking line of sight with the stranger. She ducked behind the couch, leaving only her eyes and up exposed.

The guys were cool, Splinter was cool, Bebop and Rocksteady were decidedly _not_. That gave her a thirty percent chance she was about to get impaled.

The one time April had ever gone to a casino, it had been for a college friend's bachelorette party. She lost the hundred bucks she brought in and spent the evening faking smiles and trying to stop herself from calling her aunt on one of the payphones to come pick her up.

To put it bluntly, she wasn't about to gamble on the strange turtle not trying to kill her.

Although, points to him, he hadn't done anything except breathe since she'd stormed in.

She groped around in her jeans for her cellphone and dialed Leo's number, but didn't press send. Yet.

April took a breath and poked the rest of her head over the couch.

"Hello?"

No response. Was the stranger even breathing?

She cleared her throat and repeated more loudly: "Hello?"

The stranger still didn't respond. April slowly crept out from behind the couch, the shellcell concealed behind her back, and her free hand held in a friendly wave.

"Hi," she continued, taking baby steps forwards, "I'm April. I'm friends with the guys—the other guys, Leo, Don, Raph, and Mikey. You know them?"

Maybe the turtle shifted? April pressed onward.

"I'm their friend, April O'Neil. I just came down to give them back some of their stuff. What are you doing here?"

The turtle was like stone.

April huffed a frustrated breath. "Look, can you—"

"Do not take another step, please."

April froze. The stranger spoke lightly, even pleasantly, but his (her?) tone left no room for argument.

"Without moving," the stranger continued, moving a finger to point at April's feet, "please look at the ground."

April looked down and blanched. Scrawled on the floor in blue chalk were a series of symbols that looked Asian but really didn't look Japanese. Maybe Chinese? They spread around the turtle in a circle. All in all, it made April feel like she was the main character in a really weird horror movie. 

"Thank you. Now, I," the turtle opened her eyes and looked at April, "Gah!"

April screamed and stumbled backwards, smudging one of the weird lines.

Crap.

She covered her head and cringed, waiting for the inevitable explosion or demons. After a few seconds of not dying, she opened her eyes.

The turtle's face was scrunched in something that looked like a frown.

"Nothing happened?" April hazarded.

"No," the turtle's frown deepened, "it did not. This is disappointing. I—"

The turtle's bare foot slapped down onto one of her lines, and the floor lit up. April felt her face go white.

The turtle at least had the presence of mind to grab April as she sprinted past, then, annoyingly easily, she tossed April over her shoulder and scaled the wall to the second floor. She didn't put April down until they were safely ensconced behind one of the brick pillars that supported the place.

April pressed her hands over her ears while the turtle formed a barricade around April with her body. They both shut their eyes.

Nothing happened.

April risked poking her head out from behind the pillar. The glowing light had gone away, and all that was left was a bit of charred cement where the lines had been.

"Nothing happened?" She looked at the turtle.

"No." The turtle frowned.

"Was something supposed to?"

"I, ah," the turtle's cheeks deepened in a blush, "don't know. This is the first time I've done this."

"Oh, so you didn't know what was going to happen." April sagged against the pillar. "That's great."

"Is it?" The turtle asked brightly.

April looked at her, sighed, and stood up. The turtle was tall, taller than the boys, which put her somewhere around seven foot. She had the same mottled green skin as the rest of the turtles. April discreetly glanced at her bare chest—no boobs, just plastron shaped like abs and pecs, but that made sense for a reptile. She also wasn't wearing any clothing, no collected accoutrements meant to make four nearly identical brothers unique.

April cleared her throat.

"Yes?" The turtle looked at her, dark eyes bright.

"So, um. I didn't have a fifth turtle."

"I—"

"Venus!" Donnie's slightly nasal whine echoed through the lair. "What did I say about drawing all over the lair?"

The turtle, Venus, rolled her eyes. April hid a smirk. The rest of the boys rocked in, shouting and pushing each other. April often wondered how Splinter managed to like, sleep, or anything, until she learned that he had soundproofed his room about a decade ago. 

"Hey-ey! Turtles are in the house!" Mikey shouted, whooping in excitement.

"Shove it, shell for brains!" Raph shouldered past him and lurched to the center of the lair, stooping down to pick up a discarded robe. "Cripes, V, what did we say about going starkers?"

"I think they're talking to you." April whispered to Venus.

"Yes. I am doing my best to ignore them."

"Venus! Where are you?" Leo, ever responsible, was the only one even pretending to search for Venus.

"Oh, hey, April dropped our stuff off." Donnie found the laundry.

"Yes!" Mikey rifled through the basket and retrieved his scruffy orange sheets, present them to his face and inhaling loudly. "Ah, the sweet smell of April's laundry detergent. Here, Donnie, take a whiff. It smells just like her."

"Uh, no thanks."

Venus' eyes darted between April's face and Mikey.

"I've just been ignoring it, to be honest."

"Wise."

April finally stepped out from behind the pillar and waved. "Hey, guys!"

Mikey shrieked, hastily shoving the laundry behind his back. The other _normal_ turtles waved back.

"Yo, April, you seen a seven foot tall turtle streaking around?" Raph held up the robe.

"Depends," April grabbed Venus' hand and tugged her out from behind the pillar. After a moment's resistance, Venus stepped out behind her. "Is this her?"

The boys, as one, covered their eyes. Venus snorted.

"Yep," Leo said, "that's her."

April nervously looked Venus up and down. She looked like an upright turtle, no junk or anything.

"Um," April said quietly, "are you naked?"

"No," Venus replied archly, "they are idiots."

She spoke English with a heavy accent, that April pegged as probably Chinese, which was also probably what the symbols on the floor of the lair were.

Venus leapt down from the second floor and marched over to Raph, snatching the robe out of his hands and pulling it roughly over her arms. April took the more sedate route, and found a ladder bolted onto the wall.

"You good, Venus?" Leo risked a peek.

 "I am always 'good', Leonardo. I am not evil."

"He means, are you dressed?" Raph interjected.

"Why did he not say that, then?" Venus loosely tied the robe shut. "And yes."

The brothers exhaled as one and removed their hands.

"My stress level is like, one billion," Mikey slumped onto the couch, "Donnie, what's bigger than one billion?"

"One trillion."

"That's a real number?"

"Uh, hey." April held up her hand and darted into the center of the turtle huddle. "Hey, guys. I did your laundry. Ah, quick question: who is she?"

The turtles looked at each other, and as one shrugged.

"I am Mei Pei Chi, but you may call me Venus DeMilo." Venus bowed sagely to her. April managed a little curtsey.

" _She_ gets a last name." Mikey grumbled to himself.

"We met her in Chinatown," Leo said, "Master Splinter told her she could stay with us."

"What Leo means to say," Donnie held up a finger, "is that we went to Chinatown to get a pizza from Cong You Bing Bada Boom's, and then we got our shells handed to us."

"Seriously?" April eyed Venus. She was big, yeah, huge even, but one turtle versus four turtles was barely a match.

"Seriously!" Mikey exclaimed, tugging up one leg of his shorts to reveal a nasty set of bruises. "Check out my battle scars, babe."

Raph grunted and crossed his arms, refusing to meet her eye. Yeah, they had lost.

"Wow, that's… great, Mikey." April turned to the only turtle who seemed to be giving her decent answers. "Don, is this… possible?"

"Well," Donatello pushed up his glasses, "okay, this requires some explanation. Uh, so you know how DNA works, right?"

"Donnie, I graduated college."

"Just making sure. Okay, so DNA needs nitrogen in order to form the bases, ATGC. With us, because of our mutations, the nitrogen source shifted abruptly from, uh," Donnie looked for a word that didn't have ten syllables, "'turtle nitrogen', to 'human nitrogen', when we mutated. I can sample DNA from different cells, based on longevity, and make an estimate based off which ones have 'turtle nitrogen'. For example, our neurons still have turtle DNA, because those cells don't turn over for like seventy years, but our red blood cells have 'human nitrogen'. Our DNA has been using 'human nitrogen' for about fifteen years."

"Okay, sure. So what's that have to do with this?"

"Venus' DNA has been using 'human nitrogen' for at least two decades."

April's face crunched up. "So, you mean…"

"So, I mean," Donnie's shoulders hunched in, "we aren't the first mutant turtles."

"I was taken to China by my master." Venus spoke up. "A man called Chung I. He raised me as his daughter and taught me the internal and external arts." She spared a glance to the floor. "I am still learning the internal arts."

"Internal and external arts? Um, like painting?"

"No, April," Raph punched his fist into his hand, "like beatdowns."

"You shouldn't get so grumpy we lost, Raph," Mikey jabbed his shoulder. "She has like a decade of punching people over us. Also she didn't learn everything from a book."

"It is not _punching people_! It is the ancient and mystical art of wushu!"

"Yeah, that's what I said: punching people."

"So," April stepped between them, "how did you get to New York?"

Venus' face darkened, and she looked away. "My master was very old. He told me to find where I came from."

"Oh," April said in a small voice, "I'm sorry to hear that. Um. Well, how do you like New York?"

"Very crowded. I am not used to living in secrecy. The sewers are damp and Michelangelo smells bad."

"Wait, you lived openly?"

"We lived in the mountains, in Yunnan. The villagers knew me from the day I came to China. I was simply Chung I's odd daughter."

"That's amazing." April turned to the guys. "See, guys. People are a lot more accepting than you think. It would be okay."

Mikey looked excited, but Leo held up a hand. "We've already had this discussion."

By the look on her face, Venus had been there and she hadn't liked the outcome, and neither did Mikey. Donnie coughed and adjusted his glasses.

"Anyways, April. We've been kinda busy getting Venus settled in, and, y'know, removing stitches, so we didn't get a chance to tell you about her."

"Not even a phone call?" April crossed her arms and eyed Don archly.

"Did you really want me to break the news of a fifth turtle over the phone?"

"Fair point. Look," April frowned deeply, "you _know_ I've read over my dad's research a hundred times. I know you guys weren't the first trial with the serum, but no other version of the serum was successful. You know," she gestured helplessly, "it was just a bunch of dead turtles."

"Eugh!" Mikey stuck his tongue out. "I don't wanna hear about this."

"What about Erik Sacks?" Donnie lead them over to the couch and shoved Mikey aside, planting himself on the cushions. April sat on the arm, leaning over him. "Look. This is a copy of all the data I managed to yank from his servers before the place went down."

He brought up a holographic display of a DOS program, which April struggled to understand. Venus looked down from over April's shoulder, tracing the edge of the screen with an outstretched finger.

"Don't touch that, Venus," Don said absentmindedly and he scrolled through program data. "Look, here."

"Donnie, it's just a black screen with white text. I have no idea what you're trying to show me."

Donatello sighed. Leo rolled his eyes.

"We know we're all stupid, Donnie. Cut the suspense."

Donatello gave him a look, but barreled forwards. "This is a DOS executable, which is basically a fancy way of saying, er, program. It's fragmented and broken, so it won't actually run, but I was able to look at some of the source code."

"And?"

"And, it was a growth logging system from the early nineties. Basically it stored data that could be fed into another program and used to make graphs. If you look here," Donnie pointed to a string of code, "you can see it logged dose, too."

"Okay, so it was about growing things with a dosage of something."  April squinted at the screen. "I don't want to poke holes, but this could literally just be his watering schedule for his garden."

"True." Donnie nodded. "But check this out."

He pulled up another screen of esoteric code. Venus threw her hands in the air.

"Sorry, guys, but real science isn't very exciting. Look. This is a record of logins and activities associated with the file. ESacks, is Eric Sacks, obviously, and Poneil is—"

"My dad." April said flatly.

"Right."

"Okay, so this was just one of the failed experiments, right?" April twisted her hands together.

"Possibly," Donatello held up a hand and rocked it from side to side. "But this was triple encrypted. Why bother hiding something that didn't work? Venus is around thirty, by my estimation. This would have been before you were born, so, I mean..."

"Donnie, I'm thirty-one."

"Really? So you would have been one at the time, right?"

"You're trying to tell me that Sacks had a working version of the mutagen when I was a baby? That Sacks killed my dad when he already had something that worked?"

"April…" Donnie held his hands up in a placating manner. Mikey ducked behind the couch.

"It doesn't make _sense_ , Donnie!" April could feel herself choking up a little and took a deep breath. "Why would he hide it? Why abandon all that research?"

Don shrugged. "Maybe he thought it didn't work. Or maybe the mutagen only took effect after Venus was dumped from the trails. Remember, she's only been mutated for twenty out of thirty years. That's ten years unaccounted for. She could have," Donnie shrugged, "been exposed to another mutagen, or radiation, or aliens, or anything."

"I hope it was aliens." Mikey commented blithely. Raph cuffed his head. "Ow!"

"It already _was_ aliens, dumbass!"

" _Different_ aliens, Raph!" Mikey wiggled his fingers. "Cooler ones, like Superman!"

"Anyways," Don continued, "there are too many variables, and the data is long gone. Ah, the woes of the pre-technological era."

"I had a _computer_ in the nineties, Don."

Don snorted. "Right. A 'computer'."

April thumped his arm, then turned to Venus. "Hey, are you doing alright? I mean, here we are, yammering on about you like you aren't in the room." She paused. "So, do _you_ remember anything about when you were a turtle? Uh, _more_ of a turtle?"

"I remember nothing." Venus said sharply. Her eyes softened. "It was darkness until Chung I found me. Then, light."

April put her hand over Venus', ignoring her surprised look. "You really loved him."

"Of course. He was my father." Venus pulled her hand away. April offered her a smile. Maybe once all the weirdness settled in, and she finally had that panic attack she'd been waiting for since 2014, she might think it was a little odd how easily she accepted a new giant weird turtle. And a _girl_ turtle, to boot. Which was… probably the weirder part of the whole 'teenaged mutant ninja turtle thing'. Although, Venus was shaping up to be an 'adult mutant (?) kung fu turtle', so there was that.

Still. _Girl_ turtle.

As a child, April had been near tear stricken because none of their 'pets' were girls (her father had gently explained to her that the turtles had to be boys because _that_ was how medicine was tested, a fact that she hadn't found disturbing until adulthood). Her best friend growing up, Irma, had a female cat who had kittens, and the only thing April had loved more than kittens was _baby turtles_. So, yeah, maybe a bit of her girlhood excitement was perhaps influencing her reaction.

God, what if Venus had kids? She was thirty, right? And all of April's high school friends were long since married.

April frowned. Weird thoughts, April, weird thoughts.

"What was that?" Donnie looked up from his hologram, squinting at her as his vision went back to normal.

"Nothing, Don. Just talking to myself."


	2. Chapter 2

Venus. Venus de Milo. Ms. Milo? Mei Pieh somethin'?

Mikey frowned as he stared at his new sister. Sister.  _ Sister _ . Sibling of the gentler persuasion, although there wasn't much gentle or delicate about the veritable Hulk that was currently pulling a Dagobah on the railing of one of the catwalks stretched across their lair.

It was, in a word: super weird. Well, two words, but the point stood, much like his sister, on her fingertips, on a flimsy piece of metal. If Mikey didn't already know her shell could stand up to 16,000 psi (according to Donnie) of flailing stick damage, he might've been worried about her falling. As it stood, he wasn't, and was mostly just  _ worried _ .

Mikey gnawed his lip, and reached up to where his legs were hooked over his hoverboard to scratch his toes.

"What are you doing, Michelangelo?" Venus didn't even open her eyes.

"Seein' how long I can hold my head upside down before I pass out." Mikey prodded his forehead. Hm. Bulbous. "You can call me Mikey, y'know."

"Mikey," Venus said, testing the word, "what are you doing?"

"Oh, y'know. Hanging out. Ba-dam-tsch."

Venus opened her eyes and squinted at him in confusion. She didn't wear her bandana when she did her morning training, which was super weird. It seemed like part of her face was missing. Luckily, at Master Splinter's insistence, she was wearing a baggy pair of pants, fashioned to look like a pair of  _ hakama _ , and cut just below the knees.

"Ba-dam-tsch." Mikey mimed out a set of drums.

"Oh! The joke noise." Venus' face split into a grin. "Because we are 'hanging' out. Very funny!"

Venus' English was really good, even if sometimes Mikey couldn't parse her heavy accent. Which was cool. He had already tried to get her to teach him some Mandarin cusses. She refused, but no one could stand up to the Miketastic force of annoyance once he really got going.

A new sibling. Yeah, he wasn't gonna lie. It was  _ weird _ to have another turtle around. Venus didn't get their jokes, or the dumb cat videos he liked to show everyone, or like, shower order, or how Leo liked his waffles, or anything! She, unlike the rest of them, had to be actively included. But, like, she was their  _ sister _ . Another one of them. She lived with actual, real people, not internet facsimiles or drunk crowds on Halloween.

For a brief second, Mikey was jealous. But like, life without his brothers? Even though they were gross and smelled bad, and Raph snored like he was trying to bury them all, and Donnie never let Mike touch his cool toys, and Leo was a hardcase, he couldn't imagine life without them. And Venus'd had to live that, all alone in the mountains, not knowing if there were other people like her.

It was pretty weird.

"Hey, Venus. You wanna be in our hip-hop Christmas album?"

But, then again, so were they."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in a bit of a writing slump (hence why I haven't finished the stupid human thing, or posted any of the many 3/4ths finished things I've written), so it's nice to just write short meaningless things like this, where I don't have to worry about 10,000 words of previously established canon.


	3. Chapter 3

"Guys," Donatello slapped his computer desk rapidly, "guys, guys, guys, guys, guys come look."

Leo gracefully broke free from his kata and loped over, leaning over Don's computer chair, "What is it, Donnie?"

"Look." He jabbed one overlarge hand at the screen.

Leo squinted at the monitor. "I'm not really sure what I'm looking at."

"Move over, brah," Mikey shouldered his way to the front. "Woah. Donnie, what are you doing internet dating?"

Leo felt his face turn pale. "You're talking to humans?"

Donatello rolled his eyes and pursed his mouth. "No, Leo, I'm not talking to humans. Look at the profile picture."

"It's just some abs, dude."

"Huh? Oh," Donnie leaned forwards and clicked through the photo album, selecting a face, "there."

"Isn't that—"

"It's Casey Jones, dude!" Mikey whooped. "April dumped his ugly ass!"

"They were never dating," Don said offhandedly. Raph took the opportunity to lurch over and make a disgusted face at the screen.

"Jones, Donnie? I thought you had taste."

"Shut up, Raph," Donnie's tone was amicable, even if the words weren't.

"Okay, so, this is cool and all, but, like, why should we care?"

"Huh. Hadn't thought about that." Donnie shrugged. "It's just interesting."

"Yeah, whatever, I guess," Mikey said, and then his eyes went wide. "Bro. Bro, you know what we should do?"

Leo didn't want to ask. Don looked at him, then at Raph. They both met his eyes, and in a show of fraternal solidarity, refused to acknowledge Mikey's question.

"What should we do, Mikey?"

Oh, right. The new sibling.

"Venus," Raph groaned.

"What?"

"Dudes, we should totally catfish him!" Mikey shook Don's shoulder.

"Catfish?" Leo looked at Raph.

"I could catch one," Venus said, tapping her mouth, "but I don't think anything caught in the river is edible."

"Why are we cookin' for that dick?" Raph asked.

"No, no, like dating catfish."

"Mikey is referring to the practice of tricking people online into thinking you're a: sexy and b: want to date them."

"Wait," Venus looked concerned, "why do you want to date this Mister Jones?"

"What's lyin' to Jones gotta do with fish?"

"'Cause we, my dudes," Mikey cracked his knuckles, "are the bait. Scooch over, Don, I wanna make the profile."

"Un-uh. No way, Mikey," Donatello hunched protectively over his computer, "remember what you did to my last desktop?"

"No? C'mon, bro,  _ please _ ."

"Fine," Donnie huffed, "but I'm typing."

"Okay, okay," Mikey tapped his chin, "uh, what's our username? I'm thinkin' SexyBabe69!"

"We're not doing that."

"How about, uh, LookingForLove?" Leo offered. "That's what these websites are about, right, Mikey?"

Raph snorted. "Sure, boy scout. Hey, Don, try ColdBloodedBitch. Jones probably loves tough girls."

"No, no," Venus held up her hand, "confident, but fragile, so he can protect her. With something he likes."

Leo and his brothers looked at their sister. Venus shrugged. "I stowed on a cargo ship carrying romance novels."

"Got it!" Don snapped his fingers. "HockeyHoney!"

Mikey fowned, considering, "Yeah, that's pretty good, Don. Okay, so, she's uh, twenty-five? How old is Casey?"

"Thirty-two," Don switched tabs, "according to his profile. Ugh, he likes  _ Nickleback _ ?"

"No wonder April broke up with him."

"Base her offa April," Raph suggested, "so, like thirty, and short."

Don shrugged. "Oookay. Uh, five-four, brown hair, blue eyes, thirty-one. What are her likes? Aside from hockey."

"Kickin' ass," Raph shadow-boxed, "takin' names, and chewin' bubblegum."

"Karate and eighties movies," Don translated, "anyone else?"

"Hip-hop!"

"Japanese literature?"

"Magic."

"Stop," Don held up a hand. "Somehow I don't think we're gonna woo Casey with a rapping samurai witch. Think like, stereotypically girly things."

As one, they looked to Venus.

"...farming?" She offered with a shrug. "That's what I did when we weren't training."

"No wonder yer built like an ox."

"Mikey, you still got those old issues of Cosmo?" Leo turned to his youngest brother.

"What issues of Cosmo? No clue what you're talkin' about, bro." Mikey stuttered, sweat already beading on his forehead.

"Mikey."

"Fine."

Mikey bolted to his room and retrieved a tattered but still legible of Cosmopolitan, which advertised easy diet tips for the summer season, three tricks to the best orgasm of your life, and make-up advice for the chronologically challenged.

"Flip to a random page." Raph advised. Mikey did, and it landed on an interview with some bubbly pop star.

"Uh," Mikey squinted at the text. "It's her favorite cocktails."

"Mixing drinks. Sure."

"Long walks in Central Park?" Venus said, reading over Mikey's shoulder.

"That one's good. And I'll just make up some family and education. We're a secretary, by the way. And we love police officers."

"Nice, dude. What about profile pictures? Google, uh, Kim Kardashian."

"I'm not using one of the most media famous women on Earth for our fake profile. Hey," Don brightened, "do you still have those disguised pics of April."

"Hell yeah I do!" Mikey pulled his phone (really a retrofitted tablet with a SIM card running an Android OS, perfect for big fingers). "Blonde, or redhead?"

"Lemme see." Don selected the picture of April in a bright red wig. "This look like April to you?"

The others leaned in.

"Pick the one with the glasses," Raph jabbed to the next picture. "Oh, yeah, that's it. Wait, you got photoshop? Make her eyes green."

"This is getting too elaborate." Don said, but opened up the program and selected the picture. A few confusing and complicated keyboard shortcuts later, a woman who looked only mostly like April O'Neil was staring back at them.

"Okay, okay! Make the profile and tell Casey, uh, he's hot!"

Don created the profile and brought up a message box to HockeyCop24, but didn't type a word his brother told him. "Any _ other _ ideas?"

"Talk to him about the game."

"We don't even watch hockey, Raph."

"Tell him you like his grin," Venus pointed at the screen, "and ask him if he plays this hockey."

"Nice one, Venus." Don nodded and typed out the message and hit send.

"Cool." Mikey nodded, grinning broadly, "now what?"

"Well, now we wait until he responds. It's two am, Mikey, and a Wednesday; the guy is probably asleep."

The webpage chimed.

"Seriously?" Leo shook his head. "Doesn't he have work in the morning?"

"Somehow I doubt he cares too much about being station mailboy." Chief Vincent could only bend the station's rules for Casey so much. Favoritism litigation and all that. Also, they suspected that she didn't actually like Casey Jones all that much.

"What'd he say?"

"HockeyCop24 says," Venus slowly read from the screen, "thanks babe. Ur sexy lol. I play for fun with some guys from work. U wanna come see us?"

"What a loser." Raph shook his head. "I can't believe that guy managed to beat Bebop and Rocksteady."

"Flirt back, Don!"

"Okay, what do I say?"

"Thank him for the compliment, and tell him he is likewise sexy." Venus nodded sagely.

"Ask him for his credit card details."

Don snorted. "I got those ages ago, Raph."

"Maybe set up a date?" Leo said slowly. "Say we'll go to his hockey game?"

"No, no," Mikey slapped the back of Don's chair, "tell him we can't make it, but that we want to meet him somewhere else. Like a roof. Or the sewers."

"Okay, gimme a sec." Don cracked his knuckles and began typing.

HockeyHoney: Ha, thanks! You're pretty sexy too. I like your abs.

"Seriously, Don?"

"Shush."

HockeyCop24: thx i bench 200 what team ru?

Leo scoffed. "Please. There's no way in hell he benches two-hundred."

HockeyHoney: Maple Leaves. I went to school in Ontario.

HockeyCop24: cool cool i went to school in the bronx. i like the sabres

HockeyHoney: they're really good

HockeyCop24: i got season tickets if u wanna some with me

HockeyHoney: Thanks! But I have work

HockeyCop24: ur really hot

HockeyHoney: You're so nice

HockeyCop24: u wanna meet at—

"Oh my god, he sent his street address." Don slapped his face. "This is his actual address."

"He did what?" Leo squinted at the overbright monitor. "What an idiot."

"Holy shit, April was smart to avoid this guy." Raph shook his head.

"Can we order a pizza to his house?"

"Shush Mikey, I'm trying to seduce the man."

"Don't really think you need to do much, bro, kinda seduced himself."

HockeyHoney: Sorry! Not tonight; i'm watching my nephews

HockeyCop24: bitch

Venus' mouth tightened. "How rude."

"Okay, so I was  _ maybe _ feeling a  _ teeny _ bit bad about this," Mikey pressed his thumb and forefinger together, "but now all sympathy is down the pipes now,  _ woosh _ ."

"Tell him we'll meet him tomorrow, Don," Leo said, "make it seem genuine. Mikey. You still got those party streamers?"

"All the time bro!"

"Good," Leo smirked, "we've got a little planning to do."

* * *

Splinter hummed to himself as he scrutinized his ferns. The tiny sliver of sunlight they got each day seemed to be enough to sustain them, but they still needed the tender love of living things.

"Hey, Dad!" Leonardo poked his head into Splinter's alcove. "Me and the guys were gonna go out for a run on the rooftops. Venus is gonna show us some new moves."

"Be careful not to be seen."

"Always am, Dad. Bye." Like that, they were gone, and the ambient shouting dropped down to zero. It was wonderful that his newest child was getting along so well with his sons. Venus was genuine, but hidden behind a stoic shell. Perhaps further time would serve to reveal her innermost personality.

But that was a thing to contemplate another time. For now, the TV was free, and Donna was about to reveal the true identity of her baby's father.

* * *

"Everyone in position," Leo whispered harshly, dropping down to hide behind a steaming vent. It was hard enough to hide four giant turtles on a single rooftop, five was getting obnoxious.

"Venus!" Mikey complained. "You're standing on my foot!"

"Zip it, Mikey!" Raph gestured with his confetti popper.

The door to the roof cracked open, and they faded into silence and shadow. Casey Jones poked his head out. He had at least tried to look nice. His hair had been recently trimmed, and he was clean-shaven, for once. He even had a neat, if slightly wilted, bouquet.

As the turtles watched, he put the flowers down on cement block and glanced furtively back towards the door. Then, he sniffed his armpits and did a quick breath check.

"Okay, Jones, you got this," he whispered to himself, pacing back and forth, "you're good lookin', funny, charmin'. Complete package."

Leo tapped Mikey's shoulder. He nodded, grinning broadly. Mike slunk across the rooftop. As the smallest, he could remain unseen more easily than the rest of them, despite his natural tendency towards loudness.

In front of them, Casey checked his phone.

Leo nodded to Raph, and he held up a hand.

Three.

Two.

One.

"Boo!"

"GAH!" Casey shrieked, and a dog in a nearby apartment started barking. Mikey popped his confetti gun, and the rest of them followed suit, coating Casey in (according to Donnie) twenty ounces of biodegradable glitter, which could also act as a thermal trace and a finger print dust powder. Leo worried for his brother sometimes.

Casey whirled blindly, fists up, before the air cleared. Once he could see then, he cursed and chucked the flowers at Raph's chest.

"You assholes!"

"Aw, Jones, flowers? You shouldn't have."

"Fuck off," Casey flipped them off.

"You're hurting my tender feelings," Mikey pressed the back of his hand to his head, "and after you called me pretty!"

"I hate you all so much!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really like 2k3 Casey Jones, but the 2k16 movie version is a dweeby loser.

**Author's Note:**

> For the curious, yes, in some species of turtles, females are larger than males. Also as much as I love it and have oodles of nostalgic goodwill towards it, The Next Mutation annoyed me that Venus had mammal boobs. So my version doesn't.
> 
> On the subject of clothing—fuck you Micheal Bay for making me wonder if the teenage mutant ninja turtles have junk.
> 
> The story title is from Crowded House's Don't Dream its Over.


End file.
